Points arising from Session 1:
Harmony via Communication

Focus of this Session

Resolving Conflict

Useful Counselling

Building Your Union

Counsellors' suggestions:
........ Berna Brennan
........ Sarah McDermott
........ John Murphy
........ Brian McDonnell
........ David Carrick
........ Gillford d'Souza

........Other

 

Focus of this Session

  • Good communication is the most vital components of any relationship, but particularly within marriage.

  • As a couple, how well do you communicate? Are improvements possible? Listening and gesture are as vital as speaking.

  • First session, by a trained counsellor, looks at achieving a good quality of communication throughout your whole marriage.

  • The pressures of life today upon how people interact are discussed, inviting you to explore aspects of your own relationship.

  • Conflict resolution is addressed by examining a case study, challenging each pair to find the resolution that works for them.

  • There's no pressure on individuals to speak, but each is warmly encouraged to engage with the content of the session, and to speak if you feel so inclined.

  • Participation by some of those present tends to make this session more interesting for all involved.


 

 

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Conflict Resolution

Own your personal share of any row that arises (admit it firstly to yourself).

There's no need to be the outright winner every time.

What do you want: an adult discussion, or just to prove how right you are?

Arrange suitable time and place: not breakfast time, before heading out for work!

Attack the problem, not each other. You need a solution, not a massacre!

Be honest: explain your feelings and why you are hurt.

Use "I" messages ("I feel bad because..") rather than blame-throwing ("You always..!")

Giving your view, be provisional, not absolute: "I'd say", "I get the feeling"

Listen too: respect your partner as an equal, with the right to a different opinion.

Don't involve other people (family, etc.) unnecessarily. Try to sort it out yourselves.

If you need outside help, contact a marriage counsellor.

If you must have a row, the Golden Rule is: Be Fair!


 


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Useful Counselling

  • A relationship problem may arise that an engaged or married couple can't resolve on their own. Rather than involve family members or close friends, who might too quickly take sides – and make the problem worse – it's worth seeking help from a trained counsellor.

  • What counselling offers is an area of calm, where things can be seen again in perspective and a middle ground can be reached. Various counselling agencies offer this service, in total confidentiality.

  • Counselling tends to be non-directive and non-judgmental. It aims at clarity about issues clouded over by emotion, but offers no instant or facile answers; rather, it seeks solutions that convince the client.

  • Accord, the Marriage Guidance Agency, has a counselling service around the country. Information from 01 478 4400

  • Even an engaged couple may run into a problem serious enough to benefit from counselling. Our course does not provide this service but we can arrange referral to a counsellor, for those who so wish. Phone our Coordinator at 01-296-4275

  • It really does help! From the website http://www.welfare.ie/ you can download and read the report "Does Counselling Help?" that was commissioned by Accord and the Dept. of Social & Family Affairs, from Kieran McKeown & associates.

 

 

 

Building up your Union

Marriage Encounter

Investing in your Marriage
(from http://www.midlife.com)

Use some of your energy, time, and money as an investment in each other and your marriage relationship instead of all of the peripheral concerns, such as work, mortgage, children, and church or community activities.

Solutions for some of the stresses of the late twenties/early thirties are to be found in several areas.

1. Take a yearly assessment of your personal life development and your marriage. Talk about where you are and what you had expected.

2. Try to establish a more balanced life which includes personal development, leisure, and relationships with people, along with the busy activities of a career and family.

3. Refocus or modify your original life dreams. Work together so that both of you are becoming all that God intended for you to be and to accomplish.

4. Concentrate on your marriage relationship. It is extremely easy for the obligations and responsibilities of life to cause each of you to spend all your energy on those concerns rather than on the continuing need to build intimacy. Reflect on your earlier married years. How did you develop intimacy and closeness in those days? What did you do then to give you a deeper understanding of each other and the greater ability to meet each other's needs?

Marriage Renewal
(from http://www.dcfl.org/enrich.htm.)

Marriage Renewal (or Marriage Enrichment) weekends are often organised by groups, with descriptions such as this

  1. Our Marriage Renewal Program is designed to give married couples the opportunity to examine their lives together...a time to share their feelings, their hopes, disappointments, joys and frustrations...and to do so openly and honestly in a face-to-face, heart-to-heart encounter with the one person they have chosen to live with for the rest of their life.

  2. The emphasis of Marriage Renewal is on communication between husband and wife, who spend a weekend together away from the distractions and the tensions of everyday life to concentrate on each other.

  3. It's not a retreat, nor a marriage clinic, nor group sensitivity. It's a unique approach aimed at revitalizing Christian Marriage.

  4. What happens at a Marriage Renewal Weekend? presentations are given by a team of Catholic couples and a Catholic Priest. The weekend starts at 8:00pm on Friday night and runs until about 5:30pm Sunday.

The Irish Office of this very helpful, American-based movement is at:
...........Retrouvaille Ireland
...........Tel: 01 295 1959 or 01 450 0922
...........Email: info@retrouvaille.ie

 

THE PROGRAM IS FOR MARRIED COUPLES WHO ARE:

  • Anxious about their marriage relationship.
  • Alone or distant from their partner.
  • Disillusioned or bored in their marriage.
  • Without the time or desire to communicate.
  • Experiencing coldness or conflict.
  • Frustrated, hurt or angry with their partner.
  • Unable to see how to change their situation.
  • The program is for couples who realise that their problems in relationship will not ease unless they are willing to work at it themselves.
 
 
Wedding Vows Renewal
(an idea, from: http://www.bwedd.com/)
Remember when you write your wedding renewal vows that a vow is a pledge or a promise. Just because you have already vowed certain things does not mean that you cannot vow those things again.
Then again, there may be things you have learned in your years together and thus new material for the vows that you would now like to make to each other, as you move forward to another stage of your lives together.
Example of a vows renewal :

"My dearest ___, it was xx years ago that we first pledged our commitment to one another, but it seems like just yesterday that I was standing across from my beautiful bride/handsome groom. We have been through a lot together - laughter and tears, joy and sorrow - and through all those times, I can honestly say, I loved you every step of the way.

Today, I want to renew those vows and again pledge my love and life to you. I promise to be there for you in sickness and health, in middle and old age, in good and bad hair days. Whether you feel thin, fat, beautiful, ugly, fit and trim, or out of shape I will always think that you are perfect - perfect for me. I am here to be your supporter, your confidant, and your best friend. You are my (nickname or other). I have been blessed for the last 25 years and am thrilled that I get to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you."

"________, in the past I have sometimes taken you for granted. I have put sometimes myself before you. I have done things I am not proud of. And I have often been wrong. On the other hand, I have always loved you and stood beside you.
I am here today to move forward with a renewed commitment to you, our love, and our lives together. I pledge that from this day forward you will be my number one priority. I promise to be there for you in all that life brings our way.
It is because of you that I am here today and I vow to give you all that I am and all that I have for the rest of our lives together. This is my solemn promise."

Set aside some time with your spouse to work on your vows. It would be fun to make it into a date - start by working on the questions below, then have dinner together to talk about how you both feel now; then separate to work on your vows, finally come back together to finish your date with one another.

 

 


 

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Tips from our Counsellors

To supplement the general material on this page, each of those who lead the communication session was asked to add a word on what makes for good communication. Their reponses are given below:

  

 

 

Berna

Here's a kind of Repair Kit, very useful for removing major barriers to communication


(in fact, an adaptation of Dr. John Gottman's Marriage Repair Checklist.
I can recommend his book: Seven Principles for making marriage work available online)

Four Roadblocks, & their Antidotes

 

Gillford

Below is one of the graphics I use, to issustrate the importance of trust between you.

Click here, for my fuller text of what should make for better communication

 

 

Brian

Your spouse (wife/husband) should be your best friend.

And here's an interesting reflection on the core of love, from Louis De Berniere's book, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. The wise old doctor Iannis is advising his daughter Pelagia, who has fallen deeply in love with Corelli:

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises and eternal passion...That is just being "in love," which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

 

 

David:

Below are some basic points I would want to make. For the fuller text of what I said at a recent course, click here

 

 

 

 

 


Basics on Good Communication

by David Carrick

Communication is complex.

Is communicating easy? How many of us consider ourselves to be good communicators? What do we think makes a good communicator? Most of us assume we are experts but virtually everyone underestimates their ability to communicate and when we have problems communicating we blame the other person.

We view the world through our own value and belief systems.

Because we all have different life experiences we are all unique and each of us has our own individual view of the world. This is formed by our experiences,  the values we have learned, our beliefs, our behaviours, and our emotional state at the time.

Words are a very small part of a communication.

Words make up only 7% of a communication with voice and tone making a little over a third and body language making up over 50% of the message. Are you sending or reading the real message?

Listening may be the most important element in communication.

How many of us consider ourselves to be good listeners?  In fact most of us are very poor listeners. Listening is a difficult skill – some say it is an art. How good are you at listening?

Learn to listen to the whole message.

Listening is not just listening to the words, but also to all of the body language so that we get as much of the message as possible

Be Assertive – own what you say by using “I” statements.

Assertive behaviour is based on the belief that you have the right to be listened to and taken seriously, to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty, to ask for what you want, to make mistakes. At the same time, you acknowledge that the other person has identical rights. In relationships it involves openness, honesty, and firmness, all with appropriateness and flexibility. It is expressing positive and negative feelings honestly and directly. Because you are communicating honestly and openly, your relationships become much more genuine. Assertiveness helps ensure a fair and respectful relationship.

When to talk

·       Try to spend even a little time each day really talking and listening.

·       Make time to talk about important issues, don’t let them fester.

·       Don’t get straight into an issue when the other person comes home. You may be worked up by it and they will have the stresses of their day.

·       Don’t talk about a serious issue when either of you is distracted and expect to be heard.

·       Don’t leave it until the last thing at night when you are tired or first thing in the morning when you are in a rush.

 

 

  

 

Berna

Here's a kind of Repair Kit, very useful for removing major barriers to communication


(in fact, an adaptation of Dr. John Gottman's Marriage Repair Checklist.
I can recommend his book: Seven Principles for making marriage work available online)

Four Roadblocks, & their Antidotes

 

Gillford

Below is one of the graphics I use, to issustrate the importance of trust between you.

Click here, for my fuller text of what should make for better communication

 

 

Brian

Your spouse (wife/husband) should be your best friend.

And here's an interesting reflection on the core of love, from Louis De Berniere's book, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. The wise old doctor Iannis is advising his daughter Pelagia, who has fallen deeply in love with Corelli:

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises and eternal passion...That is just being "in love," which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

 

 

 

 

David:

Below are some basic points I would want to make. For the fuller text of what I said at a recent course, click here
Basics on Good Communication

Communication is complex.

Is communicating easy? How many of us consider ourselves to be good communicators? What do we think makes a good communicator? Most of us assume we are experts but virtually everyone underestimates their ability to communicate and when we have problems communicating we blame the other person.

We view the world through our own value and belief systems.

Because we all have different life experiences we are all unique and each of us has our own individual view of the world. This is formed by our experiences,  the values we have learned, our beliefs, our behaviours, and our emotional state at the time.

Words are a very small part of a communication.

Words make up only 7% of a communication with voice and tone making a little over a third and body language making up over 50% of the message. Are you sending or reading the real message?

Listening may be the most important element in communication.

How many of us consider ourselves to be good listeners?  In fact most of us are very poor listeners. Listening is a difficult skill – some say it is an art. How good are you at listening?

Learn to listen to the whole message.

Listening is not just listening to the words, but also to all of the body language so that we get as much of the message as possible

Be Assertive – own what you say by using “I” statements.

Assertive behaviour is based on the belief that you have the right to be listened to and taken seriously, to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty, to ask for what you want, to make mistakes. At the same time, you acknowledge that the other person has identical rights. In relationships it involves openness, honesty, and firmness, all with appropriateness and flexibility. It is expressing positive and negative feelings honestly and directly. Because you are communicating honestly and openly, your relationships become much more genuine. Assertiveness helps ensure a fair and respectful relationship.

When to talk

·       Try to spend even a little time each day really talking and listening.

·       Make time to talk about important issues, don’t let them fester.

·       Don’t get straight into an issue when the other person comes home. You may be worked up by it and they will have the stresses of their day.

·       Don’t talk about a serious issue when either of you is distracted and expect to be heard.

·       Don’t leave it until the last thing at night when you are tired or first thing in the morning when you are in a rush.