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By Gillford D’Souza Counsellor & Psychotherapist Awakenings –01-4920122 2007 These headings may guide us in our reflections: listening & responding helpfully respect, difference, The key to enjoyable and more fulfilling relationships is to manage
the difficulties and obstacles that emerge in relationship effectively. Being
in relationship, means having different feelings, thoughts, desires,
expectations and ideals. The key to unlocking difficulties that might emerge
in dealing with these differences is through good communication. ContactDo you really make time to be in contact
with your partner ? Do you take an interest in
who your partner is , what your partner does, what matters to them at the
moment, how they are feeling about ‘life’ at the moment? Often partners are ‘bored’ in
their relationship – the ‘heady, exciting’ days of getting to know someone
have passed --- I know about my partner now!! This makes the assumption that we
remain the same person through each day of our lives --- It doesn’t allow for
growth or change or feeling differently each day. Do you spend time getting to know
the ‘colours’ of your partner today ?? The word CONTACT is a
profound word – that implies the depth of really being in touch with your
partner but also very simply acknowledges the simplicity of just that –
keeping contact with your partner --- a phonecall, a look, spending time
together, chatting, touching etc. ‘Getting involved’ and ‘being
involved’ with your partner is an ACTIVE process. It is perhaps what continues to
give life and substance to a relationship. Being involved is a ‘creative’
form and life-force ·
Do
you show an interest in each other? ·
Do
you listen to each other? ·
Do
you talk to each other? ·
Do
you touch and are affectionate with each other? ·
Do
you have sex with each other? ·
Do
you help each other? ·
Do
you play and share fun and humour together? ·
Do
you share responsibilities? ·
Do
you solve problems together? ·
Do
you plan together? ·
Are
you sensitive to each others feelings? ·
Do
you ‘give’ to each other? ProgrammedThere is no systematic attempt
made to train us in the skills of relationship, contact and love. We pick them up from our own
experiences of being cared for and related to – sometimes these are healthy
experiences. At other times we might grow up with unhealthy experiences of
being related to. Unless we see or experience other more healthy experiences
of being related to, we tend to internalise what’s familiar to us as a way of
relating /loving/ being in contact with people. However as adults we have choices
can learn a new set of skills that could enhance our relationship skills. And the key to being involved is
communication! Communication
I have broken this down into 4
areas 1.
Disclosing
and Expressing Yourself 2.
Listening
and Responding Helpfully 3.
Respect
– Accepting difference, --Assertion, Confrontation and Negotiation 4.
Clean
Communication Disclosing yourselfDo you let your partner know who
you are, what you are thinking , what you are feeling , what’s going on
for you – often we use the word ‘INTIMACY’ to describe just this –
letting the other get closer to us by letting them know more about what is
happening for us right now. Often we fear doing just this as
often this leaves us feeling ‘vulnerable’ – with a sense that the other could
‘hurt’ us knowing our ‘underbelly’ of how we really feel about things. Do you ‘TRUST’ your partner
and ‘TRUST’ yourself to feel ‘safe’ to reveal more of yourself. Often in our experiences of being
related to as children, we discover that it is not safe to reveal what
is really going on for us – ‘Be a man – only babies cry’ –
(not ok to feel or show pain or hurt) ‘You’re a sissy – scaredy cat’
-- (not ok to be afraid) ‘Good Girls don’t raise their
voices’ – (not ok to be angry) ‘I won’t listen to you whilst your
crying’ – (not ok to express your
feelings) There are many examples of this
where men are taught that it is not ok to feel fear, sadness or uncertainty
and where women are taught that they have to show softer emotions and are not
supposed to be forceful or angry. We all feel the whole range of
emotions as fully developed, healthy human beings. If there is an emotion we are
uncomfortable with, it may be helpful to look at what happens that I don’t
experience or am uncomfortable with that particular feeling. What emotions am I not allowed to
have? What emotions are too hard for me
to handle? Expressing yourself·
TIME -- set aside time to talk, make the time to talk – remember the ad
‘it’s good to talk’ ·
SHARE personal information – Disclose yourself ·
WORDS – learn to use words well – are the words you use really getting
across what you are trying to communicate? ·
VOICE – learn to use the ‘gift’ of your voice – notice your use of
tone/emphasis/pace/volume in your voice ·
BODY
TALK – be aware of how you use you
body messages to communicate – your facial expressions / gestures/ body
posture/ physical distance etc. ·
TOUCH – sensitive touch is a powerful tool for expressing your warmth,
care, interest. ·
ACTIONS – what are you saying by your actions?? ’Actions speak louder than
words??’ – put words to your actions. ·
TALK about how you FEEL – don’t forget the importance of talking
about everyday feelings ·
NAME
your feelings – identify your feelings and put
them into words to express them ·
CLARIFY
your feelings – saying I am confused /
frightened / angry / hurt / jealous may be more clear than saying I am
‘upset’ ·
DESCRIBE
the intensity of your feeling as accurately
as you can – eg I am irritated / annoyed / outraged / furious may be more
descriptive than I am ‘angry’. ·
DURATION – let your partner know how long you have been feeling this way – it
may be helpful to recount the event/ moment that led you to feel this way. ·
OWN
YOUR FEELINGS – avoid describing your partner
as the cause of your feelings – eg ‘I was so annoyed when’ …..as opposed to
…’You made me so angry when’ …… This
is an important non defensive way of communicating .. and is often referred
to as OWNING language . I reiterate the importance of this (see clean
communication) ·
Be
HONEST
-- say what you mean , don’t say what you don’t mean – eg don’t say
that you don’t mind when your partner doesn’t hear you , when it does bother
you. ·
Be
CONGRUENT – eg saying I am ‘furious’ with
you and smiling while you say this --- this gives out a confusing message
where your vocal message does not correspond with your non- verbal message. ·
Be
DIRECT – don’t make something else the
issue eg ‘I hate these guys who drag you to football!! They’re wasters!!’ …
rather than… ‘ it bothers me that you spend so much time playing and watching
football – I feel left out and unimportant when you spend so much time around
football.’ ·
EXPRESS
WANTS AND DESIRES -- REQUEST
-- You have a right to ask for things you want and desire in your
relationship ·
RESPONSIBILITY – In fact you have a responsibility to yourself and to your partner
to be clear about your needs. You are the expert on yourself so no one can
read your mind or know what you need. ·
INITIATIVE
– Take responsibility for setting the time
aside and commencing the conversation re something you have to say – don’t
expect your partner to ask you ‘what’s wrong?’ ·
IMPACT – Notice the impact of what / how you are expressing yourself on the
other person. Notice how your partner ‘is’ as you are saying this. Is it
bringing you more into ‘connection’ with each other or is it ‘distancing’
you further?? ·
MANNER of talk -- Nagging/changing the subject/silence/being a know all /
talking aggressively or too softly may all have the impact of further
distancing your from your partner rather than bringing you into more
‘contact’ in relation to what you are trying to communicate to them. DISCOVER
what might be a better way of expressing yourself that helps you get HEARD. Listening and Responding HelpfullyAs McKay et al (1994 )
describe in their book ‘Couple Skills’ (12) Listening involves a commitment to understanding and being empathic
to your partner. It means putting aside your own interests, needs and
prejudices long enough to see your relationship through your partners eyes
---- It says ‘I care about you. I
want to know how you think and feel and what you need.’ Real listening involves An INTENTION to understand,
learn , help or enjoy An INTEREST in your partner
– I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! Demonstrating Interest and AttentionThe ability to ATTEND to
what your partner is trying to communicate The ability to DECODE what
the other is saying. Aids to helpful attending·
Maintain
EYE CONTACT ·
OPEN body language – moving in to the conversation rather than away from
it ·
Moving
AWAY from DISTRACTIONS ·
AFFIRMING
TALK -Let your partner know you are
listening and ENCOURAGE them to keep talking -- -- nods or utterances (uh-hu,
go on, I see, …) show you are
tracking your partner’s communication ·
CLARIFY if you do not understand something – ‘hold on a second – do you mean
…’ ·
ASK
– use helpful questions to find out more
about how your partner really is feeling ·
CHECK your understanding. – ‘ so you’re saying …..’ ·
EMPATHY – Try and understand your partner’s position – ·
ADVANCED
EMPATHY. Try and realise how your partner
might feel about what they are saying, and how they might be feeling right
now as they are telling you … ·
Pick
up clues from their voice (
tone/pace) and body language how they
might be feeling about what they are saying. ·
SLOW
DOWN AND BREATHE – Slow yourself down so that you
can really give yourself time to understand your partner’s communication.
This also helps you from interrupting. ·
WAIT to give an opinion. UNDERSTAND your partner first before offering
your opinion or view. Blocks to helpful listening·
SWITCHING
OFF ·
FAKING
ATTENTION ·
INTERRUPTING ·
MIND
READING – ignoring the content of what is
being said be deciding what your partner is saying or feeling. ·
REHEARSING – not listening to what’s being said because you are planning what
you are going to say next ·
FILTERING – listening to some things and not to others – commonly known as
SELECTIVE DEAFNESS – half-listening ·
JUDGING –Moralising/Preaching/Labelling/Diagnosing You have stopped listening
and are assigning blame. ·
INTERPRETING – you are beginning to make assumptions rather than listening ·
ADVISING – offering solutions – often an inability to stay with the ‘unknown’
or ‘not knowing’. ·
SPARRING – listening only for the sake of arguing or debate – looking for a
reaction ·
BEING
RIGHT – how can you ever see the other
person’s point of view if you are taking the ‘high ground’ of being right?? ·
DERAILING – by changing the subject or making a joke – often a sign of not
being able to handle something in the conversation ·
PLACATION – being too quick to agree – often a sign of ‘ I can’t handle
conflict, so I’ll just agree with you --- so I can get out of this conflict
situation. ·
REACTING – going into ‘your own stuff’ rather than listening. ·
Being
AGGRESSIVE – stops safe communication. Respect, difference, conflict and negotiationDon’t forget why you are
together -- What did entering into a
committed relationship bring you that you didn’t have previously? Do you
still believe in these benefits? Are you still committed to each other and
still willing to work towards a happier shared life. As relationship unfolds,
Differences become more apparent and visible. Starting off in relationship,
we often overlook difference or are afraid to own our difference as we
attempt to be accepted and loved. As relationship progresses, we realise we
cannot hide our ‘real’ self. We emerge more clearly. Often this can be a
surprise to us and to our partner!! We begin to realise the differences ---
in persona, beliefs, rules, thoughts, behaviours, interests, styles of being
and interacting etc. Often difference is threatening –
how do we deal and relate to something different that we are not familiar in
dealing with ?? Do we meet it with fear, suspicion and threat or do we meet
difference with interest, curiosity and delight?? Where difference emerges, Conflict
seems inevitable. How do we deal with this difference?? Do you try to understand your
partners view, thoughts and perspective? Often we are comfortable with our
own view and perspective, because we know this view, understand it and are
familiar with the way it works for us. Difficulties arise when we see it is
the ‘right’ view rather than ‘my’ view --- what then of my partner’s view??
Can I really ‘respect’ my partners view and respectfully engage in
teasing out the differences that may emerge in trying to make a decision or
doing something. Can I see and accept this
difference as 2 parties with important and legitimate but opposing interests? Do I accept this conflict calmly? Do I see this conflict as an
opportunity to change and grow? In negotiating this conflict , can
I ·
State my own position clearly? ie define my problem clearly and constructively? ·
Understand the others position? ·
Adopt
and engage in a collaborative process? ·
Focus
on each others interests rather than positions? ·
Look
for a mutually agreeable option? want something that’s good for both
of us? Win/win scenario ·
Be
flexible? – let go of entrenched positions
– be open to unexpected solutions? ·
Be
creative? – Offer and hear suggestions and
proposals? ·
Accept
compromise -Give and take –‘I’d love you to
play golf today but will you look
after the kids tomorrow and I’ll go
to my yoga workshop.’ ·
Try
new things – ‘when you’re driving we’ll go
the motorway because you prefer it but when I’m driving we’ll go the scenic
route, because I prefer it.’ Try and relax and enjoy it. ·
Brainstorm ·
Take
time out when you are stuck to think about
it? ·
Apologise – saying ‘sorry’ when I have hurt or misunderstood. In reaching an agreement, do you
know the bottom line for you ie a line that represents the minimum of
what you are prepared to compromise to eg ‘I’m happy your family drops in to
see us but I’m not prepared to have our space compromised more than three
times a week.’ "Clean" Communication
·
COMPLETE
COMMUNICATION – Partial message create
communication problems. Are you giving all the information about what you are
saying – Are you expressing your observations, thoughts, feelings and
needs/requirements with regards to the issue. ·
Avoid
JUDGEMENTAL words and DENIGRATING terms which
undermine the feelings of worth of your partner eg ‘ you’re always
thoughtless’ or ‘ you’re childish’ ·
Avoid
GLOBAL LABELS -eg ‘you’re lazy/selfish/crazy’. These judgements attack your
partner’s person and do not separate your partner’s behaviour from them as a
person. They also misrepresent you in
challenging your partner’s behaviour if that is your intention. They lead to
a loss of TRUST and as a result a loss of closeness ·
Avoid
‘YOU’ MESSAGES – These connotate blame and
accusation which erode trust. Try ‘Owning’ your communication from an ‘I’
place eg ‘I felt tired and irritated when I had to put the groceries away alone
yesterday’ rather than ‘ you’re never here when there’s work to be done’.
Note how BEING SPECIFIC with what is bothering you rather than
globalising is much more listenable to. ·
Avoid
OLD HISTORY – Stick to the issue at hand
rather than dragging in past experiences which cloud the picture. Eg ‘I felt
hurt and forgotten when you said you were coming home yesterday but went off
to see your parents instead’ ……rather than …. ‘your parents are always taking
you away from me… even at our wedding they monopolised our time together ….’ ·
Avoid
THREATS – they erode ‘TRUST’ and the
SAFETY in the relationship – a commonly used threat is one of withdrawing or
holding back support or pleasure in the relationship – rather than saying ‘
I’m hurt or angry ‘….it takes the form of withdrawing from the marital bed or
from being involved in the relationship. ·
GUILT-TRIPPING is a form of threat that makes your partner feel ‘bad’ about
themselves ·
DESCRIBE
feelings rather than ATTACK with them --- This involves holding safely your tone of voice as you
communicate your feelings rather than lashing out / being harsh / loud / cold
or threatening in your communication. ·
MESSAGES
FROM THE PAST – This involves separating your
partners message from an old message you may have received as a child. Eg ‘
I’m upset you didn’t put the groceries away’. This message from your partner
must be separated from you hearing it as something else; for example hearing
it as ‘ you lazy good for nothing
lay-about’ ( a message you may have internalised as a child as a result of hearing this said frequently to
you by significant childhood carers) References
Human Relationship Skills ; 2nd Edition ; Richard Nelson Jones ; Cassell 1990 Couple skills : M.McKay , P. Fanning, K. Paleg ; New Harbinger ; 1994 The relate Guide to Better
Relationships ; Sarah Litvinoff : vermilion
1998 Copyright --- Gillford D’Souza – 2007 |